The Queermasutra™ Podcast

Transcript: Queer Masutra – Episode 3 with Mare

AEB (00:00)

⁓ Welcome to the Queer Masutra Podcast, ⁓ hosted ⁓ by Afroerotic Body. ⁓ This is a space where we chat with Black, Brown, Indigenous, Queer, and Trans folks, ⁓ here to share stories that shift perspectives and celebrate the many ways we connect with ourselves, others, how we explore pleasure ⁓ and experience intimacy. ⁓ Inspired by the teachings of the Kama Sutra, ⁓ we're diving deeper than

AEB (00:29)

politics of the body. ⁓ Together, ⁓ we explore self-care rituals, ⁓ identity, ⁓ sexual wellness, ⁓ eroticism, and the art of living queerly. ⁓ No matter where you're tuned in, ⁓ we want you to feel inspired, affirmed, ⁓ and ready to welcome new perspectives in your life. ⁓ This is the Queer Massutra, ⁓ and I'm your host, Sujay. ⁓ This is where exploration, ⁓ joy,

AEB (00:58)

and radical desires come alive in the most intimate and vibrant ways. ⁓ In today's episode, we will hear from Mayer, one of my really close friends, someone who I adore, someone smart, ⁓ and someone who challenges you to think. ⁓ Our conversation today will center topics of loneliness, what it looks like,

AEB (01:27)

how it fits into our lives and the ways in which we can ⁓ find a deeper connection to ourselves. And so we are gonna jump in, which is what is your current relationship to pleasure? ⁓ My relationship to pleasure ⁓ is just being more sensual ⁓ and like sensual in the most like...

AEB (01:54)

basic definition of the word, like tapping into my senses, noticing things more, ⁓ which means I've just been slowing down. ⁓ It's been really pleasurable to go slow. ⁓ I'm really busy. And when I get into busy seasons, it's very easy for me to like be very rapid and get caught up in like hustling and all that. ⁓ So I've been really intentional about slowing down so I can notice where there are moments where I can really indulge in what I'm doing.

AEB (02:24)

Even if it's a cup of tea, if it's time with friends, if I'm out in nature, like I literally stop and smell the flowers. Like I remind myself that I can slow down ⁓ even when I'm living an abundant life, right? I can slow down. ⁓ I'm really curious about ⁓ how you're defining loneliness ⁓ and ⁓ how you feel your identity impacts ⁓ your experience of loneliness. ⁓ My relationship.

AEB (02:53)

to ⁓ loneliness, I think one of the things that I most often think about is how I just want it to not be around. Like I want it to go away. ⁓ And I find, ⁓ you know, ⁓ a lot of things that you mentioned, which bring you pleasure are the things that I'm just like also rejecting at that time. It's like, I don't want loneliness, but I also am finding that I'm not interested in.

AEB (03:21)

the things that helped me to be like present ⁓ because like the loneliness is there. And so, you know, I think for most people, ⁓ it feels like these different perspectives of loneliness aren't really shared. ⁓ I'm a black fat femme socialized as a black woman. ⁓ I am in my late ⁓ 30s. ⁓ I've graduated college. ⁓

AEB (03:50)

on my way to grad school. And that's kind of where I am in my life and how I identify. I'm also non-binary, queer, all these things. So for me, because I have so many intersections of marginalization, it has always been a part of my identity to be lonely in some capacity. Because the way I define loneliness is,

AEB (04:18)

Disconnection is lacking gratitude. ⁓ And ⁓ back to what you were saying earlier of like, I don't wanna be present because loneliness is there. ⁓ I also define loneliness as past or future ⁓ presence. Like being in the past or being in the future, ⁓ not wanting to be present with yourself. ⁓ And as someone who, ⁓ again, shares those marginalized identities, when I enter spaces or I'm trying to build community, whether I'm at work, friend groups,

AEB (04:48)

I've always felt like some aspect of my identity was not able to be welcomed or folded into the group. ⁓ Before I was comfortable with my queerness, I was very much not trying to be queer, ⁓ navigating gender identity and politics, especially within Blackness, especially in the ways that Black women are masculinized and also expected to present in feminine ways. ⁓ Queerness with like a religious Caribbean household. ⁓

AEB (05:18)

⁓ came with strife where you have to choose between family and safety ⁓ and or being yourself. Like there were many, there were many options, there were not many options for me to be my full self in spaces. And so I felt disconnected. It was really hard for me to feel grateful in certain parts of my life. ⁓ And it really made me worry about what kind of future was possible for me. And also made me ⁓

AEB (05:46)

to get stuck in the past in the sense of reflecting on all these moments where I felt social rejection in some capacity. So my identity has really, I don't wanna say caused my loneliness, but maybe like in the social world that we live in, like it does create distance between how people are able to connect with me. But also those identities have gotten me a lot of community, have gotten me a lot of connection.

AEB (06:13)

⁓ has made me really grateful for my ability to ⁓ show up authentically despite people not wanting that. ⁓ And has given me a really, has deepened my presence because being able to be in my body and being able to be with myself has built my confidence as opposed to trying to escape myself in some capacity to make.

AEB (06:38)

other people more comfortable, right? So like, if I'm able to be present with myself, I'm able to accept myself, I'm able to show up more in spaces. So yeah. When I'm thinking about experiences of loneliness, a lot of it fits into those categories that you just spoke about of like, my identity, how the people around me see me and expect me to behave, you know, due to...

AEB (07:06)

cultural, religious, or social norms. ⁓ And I think that, ⁓ yeah, it's just so fucking difficult sometimes ⁓ to find value in loneliness. ⁓

AEB (07:24)

If you were describing loneliness to like a person who hadn't experienced it before, ⁓ what might you tell them or what might they look for in their life to like identify it? ⁓ Loneliness, I think, is when you are unable ⁓ to recognize yourself and others and you're unable to feel seen.

AEB (07:54)

⁓ either by yourself or by other people. think loneliness stems from people feeling ⁓ not recognized, not appreciated, not ⁓ a lack of belonging or fitting in. ⁓ I lean more towards belonging, because I think fitting in implies this thing that I think most people do is just contort themselves to kind of fit into whatever group or dynamic is going on so that they don't feel lonely. ⁓ But I think

AEB (08:24)

when you feel like you do not belong. ⁓ Because there are people who are surrounded by people all day long and still don't feel connected, still don't feel like they belong in that space. ⁓ So I think loneliness is a lack of belonging when you feel odd, like the odd person out when you can't get ⁓ that depth, when you feel like some part of you can't be expressed, ⁓ when you're hiding. Like if any part of you feels like you're hiding, any part of you feels like nobody gets me. ⁓

AEB (08:53)

or I don't understand that and you want to retreat, ⁓ that retreating feeling is very much loneliness. Can you just share a little bit about, ⁓ you know, maybe some experiences that you've had that have shifted your perspective of loneliness? Well, I think something that you said really ⁓ has been sitting with me ⁓ in this moment of like, how is loneliness beneficial? Like, how does it benefit me? ⁓

AEB (09:24)

I think that's really interesting. like, I don't want to sound like, ⁓ I know what I'm going to sound like when I say this, ⁓ but I'm going to say it anyway. ⁓ I think it's really easy to try to assign value to stuff because we like capitalism, right? ⁓ Like, is this valuable? Is this productive? Right? Like we jump to these things and I do the same thing, right? Pot and kettle friend. ⁓ But I think it's really... ⁓

AEB (09:53)

a good idea to extract that binary of if it's good or bad or if it's beneficial or not. ⁓ And just like let stuff be what it is. Like loneliness is just like there, you know what I mean? Like it's really a neutral energy that has been socially negated. Where I authentically started with loneliness, when I actually started to try and be present with loneliness, is honestly when I kind of entered this grief space. Like I lost my mother.

AEB (10:21)

I had a lot of turbulence in my family and grief, for anyone who experiences grief, ⁓ people understand that loneliness because people don't understand the way that you've lost someone. ⁓ And that closeness, that proximity that you have to someone, not necessarily emotional safety closeness, but just like how much has this person shaped my identity, right? ⁓ When you lose that anchoring part of your identity, you're kind of like free falling. You're like, what the hell? Like, who am I?

AEB (10:50)

when I am not a caretaker for this person, who am I when I've lost the person who made me feel safest to ⁓ talk or ⁓ losing a sibling or there's all these ways that like, you don't think about how relating to someone else is shaping your identity until they're not there anymore. You don't have them to bounce off energy from. my losing my mother really changed the trajectory of my life because my plan was to always be her caregiver.

AEB (11:18)

So then I suddenly had all this like space. I suddenly had all this like unexpected time and it made me really resentful because I had not really dreamt about a different life, right? It was like so sure that this was the way I was gonna live. But also with that grief came, I did not have the energy to fake the funk anymore. So.

AEB (11:46)

was sick of the job, I was sick of the friends, was sick of, you know, I was like, I don't have time for fucking anybody. Like it was really that vibe of like, I just can't pretend anymore. And I think loneliness is really confronting in that way. Like it's like, it's telling you, you can't fake anymore. It's bringing up all your insecurities, it's bringing up.

AEB (12:11)

you know, these reminders that you're not done yet, right? Like, especially for those of us who are intentional about our healing, there's this like finish line that we're trying to reach a lot of the time. And loneliness reminds us that like, we're all going, like our story is never ending. This lifetime is not for finishing, it's just for experiencing. And it can be kind of rude when you get those reminders. ⁓ Honestly, it can be a little rude. It's like, damn, I'm just trying to have a good time. Like life is hard enough, right? And, ⁓

AEB (12:42)

⁓ I think that after I lost my mom, I just kind of was throwing paint at the wall. Like, what am I going to do next? What am I going to do next? What am going to do with all this time? ⁓ And ⁓ my mom, I joke about this often, but like, I'm like, I buried the only person who could tell me what to do. And my mom very much dictated how much I was able to show up as myself, how much she accepted about me was what I share with other people.

AEB (13:09)

And I think a lot of us do that with our parents. ⁓ Our parents can, or our caregivers, whoever has raised us, we often kind of leave parts of ourselves at the door before interacting with them. And I did not have that kind of bouncer at the door anymore. So there was all this like activation in myself where I didn't have a reason to hide who I was in the same way, ⁓ because I didn't care about other people's opinions in the same way. ⁓ But that was scary. It was one of those moments where ⁓

AEB (13:41)

I was confronting my loneliness, but I was also just really confronting a lot of like the shame or the disconnect that I had with my internal self, like the relationship to myself. Cause I had spent so much time building external relationships and trying to be what people needed or be what people expected that when I didn't have that pressure, I was like, damn, I don't even know if I really know who I am. And that is incredibly lonely.

AEB (14:08)

like to recognize, to not be able to recognize your own self. ⁓ So I did what most girlies do. I got on a plane. ⁓ I eat, love, prayed my way ⁓ through some shit. Honestly, I quit my nonprofit job. It was the first time I didn't have a plan. I'm a Virgo y'all. Like I'm a six on Enneagram. I'm a stability, earthy, loyal type hoe. And so for me to...

AEB (14:36)

I mean, people used to joke like, Mero's got like six jobs. Like I always had a job. ⁓ And to quit and not have a job, not have a plan and to be solely trusting myself was like a whole, ⁓ yeah, that was a whole other adventure with loneliness and a whole other adventure with ⁓ my relationship to myself for sure. Yeah. This, what you mentioned, this sort of, you know, having someone kind of say, some of you.

AEB (15:05)

some of you has to stay outside while you come in. you know, ⁓ having that moment of realizing, really, ⁓ at this point, I'm taking care of me. Like, is really up to me to decide how I treat myself, what I'm allowing ⁓ to move with me is really important. It's really important. And I think once that happens and once I...

AEB (15:34)

realized, oh, like this is real. Like I was being prepared for this moment in more ways than one. Yeah, that freedom is a little spooky. really is. I can do my thing. and I know.

AEB (16:00)

And I know, and I, you know, I know I was kind of asking earlier, like, what's the benefit? Like, I do know there is benefit in this because I found myself investing in myself, like in a way that I wasn't doing before. Like the loneliness also meant I was giving a bit more of a fuck about what I was doing and how I was doing it. ⁓ And the things that were being done to me or offered to me in this world. I think about this quite a lot. Like I, ⁓

AEB (16:30)

recently lost like my grandmother who is really close. I was really close to her and the time that I have spent alone has reminded me that in the things that I do ⁓ she is like already like woven into that like she's so deeply woven into my life that even by missing her I know that I am not alone. So ⁓ yeah it is it is ⁓

AEB (16:58)

Definitely, definitely something ⁓ to be free of those expectations and to be free of the obligation to behave in certain ways when grief is involved and loneliness is involved. Do you have any sort of practice, any sort of ritual for acceptance, ⁓ any things that you are doing to create a sense of peace ⁓ when ⁓

AEB (17:27)

when you're challenged with loneliness or when you're experiencing it? I think it's really essential to do your triple P's. ⁓ You gotta pause, you gotta play, and you gotta pray. ⁓ Now, I'm not religious. I wanna emphasize I'm not religious. I was raised Catholic. Prayer to me is like any ⁓ talk to something outside of yourself, right? You can talk to a flower, you can talk to God, ⁓ you can talk to...

AEB (17:56)

know, Buddha, whatever you up to, whatever you doing. Like, it doesn't matter. Talk to the water. Like, you find something to talk to ⁓ because everything is listening. Like, everything is a vibration. And like, I know people say that and it can be kind of eye-rolly for some folks, but honest to goodness, we forget how much of nature we are as people and that like species arrogance we got that like ⁓ keeps us from hugging a tree.

AEB (18:24)

It feels good to hug a tree. It feels good to sit by the river and listen to it flow. ⁓ And that's not by chance, right? So like that frequency, that vibe that you're on, when you're able to walk through a park, you close your eyes when the sun is on your skin, that's an energy exchange. Speak to that energy, right? That part is really essential in times of loneliness. I mentioned that in the content I wrote on my sub stack of like reconnecting to nature is such a grounding practice.

AEB (18:54)

And it reminds you that you are part of this like huge network of energy that we often forget about. Pray up to ⁓ that higher energy space. You know, even if you're calling out to an ancestor, somebody that you love has passed, like speak to those people. Like they're there. They might not respond to you in the language that you understand, but they're hearing that and they're feeling that. And that's not religion. That's just who we are by nature. ⁓

AEB (19:24)

I think play is really important because loneliness be making you feel real serious. ⁓ Like loneliness be like, you pathologize yourself so fast when you're lonely. You're like, something's wrong with me or I can't have something wrong with me. ⁓ like, we're really, I'ma say I'ma say like when the boomer is like, it's your damn phone, but like low key. ⁓

AEB (19:52)

Low key. ⁓ The girlies are inundated with messaging that we have to be ⁓ regulated. We have to be put together. We can't show anything. We can't ask for help. And the more and more marginalized you are, the more and more you get that messaging that like we got to do it by ourselves, ⁓ that we are not allowed to ⁓ show up if we're not put together in some capacity. ⁓ So I think playfulness expands beyond just like

AEB (20:22)

even though this is just as important, it expands beyond coloring or doing games with your friends or going out to the club and dancing. It's also that lightheartedness. It's like, how do I show up more vulnerably? Play is such a vulnerable thing. When you're going to, even if you're playing sexually, erotically, that idea of releasing control, releasing your role, releasing...

AEB (20:50)

⁓ your energy and your body so that you can just feel and be in harmony with what's going on and be present. Like that energy can be, can show up in so many ways. Like ⁓ I really make a ritual out of playfulness. Like it's so important to me. No matter how busy I am, you'll find me coloring, you'll find me dancing, you'll find me shaking my ass somewhere, letting my hips loose. Like.

AEB (21:19)

I'll hit up a friend and be like, yo, let's just go eat, let's go drink, let's go do something. And I trust that playfulness more than I trust a plan. Like I think people ⁓ are like afraid to be rejected when they reach out. People are afraid to ⁓ tell someone they need extra support because we're so serious about it. Like we make it such a big deal when it's really not a big deal. Hey, you got 10 minutes to talk on the phone? Like I'm feeling some type of way today.

AEB (21:46)

Or like, send me a podcast because the shit I'm listening to is a little bit dry. I need something different, right? Like that risk taking that comes with it ⁓ is our, ⁓ in my humble opinion, our lack of relational skill around vulnerability, ⁓ which I think really creates or worsens our loneliness. Like we're unable to be vulnerable in our loneliness. We like close up and shut down instead of.

AEB (22:14)

making loneliness an expansive endeavor. Instead of saying, feel lonely, I should reach out, I should create more communal space, I should go sit in the park, I should go join a group, I should go shake my ass in the Zumba class. Like, you know what I mean? We retreat. And I think that when I've confronted my loneliness, the ritual also that I've added in is kind of doing the opposite of what my brain is telling me to do. Because when you're lonely, that bitch is a liar. She's telling you you're not valuable. She's telling you there's nothing that you can do.

AEB (22:44)

⁓ And I think it's very different from just distracting yourself. You want to hold what loneliness is telling you. You want to be like, you know what? I am feeling lonely. I am feeling lonely. And it doesn't feel good. I need a friend. You be honest about it. You don't be like, ⁓ whatever, forget that thought. Let me go. Cause you don't build a relationship with loneliness. You got to build a relationship so that they're less scary. No monsters in the loneliness closet. A lot of people that I know will opt for ⁓ being busy with work.

AEB (23:15)

⁓ being busy with their perceived gender responsibilities. ⁓

AEB (23:24)

And yeah, I mean, I've seen ⁓ people willing to like cause chaos, ⁓ like just to have an escape from that time alone, that time reflecting, that time just being with themselves. And yeah, it's hard to see. ⁓ It's really hard to see ⁓ when, ⁓ I mean, from ⁓ our experience, we know like ⁓ we have been

AEB (23:55)

very intentional about creating the community and space where if you need something, you can say what you need and then you can find it. I think I'm ⁓ constantly reminded, ⁓ even just within my family structure, that that's not everybody's story. Like some folks really rely on like the family traditions ⁓ and you know, these ⁓ skewed family values.

AEB (24:23)

And I've watched a lot of people ⁓ live through their loneliness and like try to hide it. Like ⁓ it's clear. Like ⁓ I know that you have lost something that you love. I know that there are opportunities that you want that you are not taking. I know there are not people around you supporting you in the way that you want or need. ⁓ When you are...

AEB (24:49)

Having your experiences, I know you talked a little bit earlier ⁓ about what it's like to be Black, what it's like to be queer. ⁓ What would you say your experiences are like within the communities that you're building now, ⁓ maybe versus what you had in the past? Well, I really want to touch on something that you said because you always got me thinking, Fran. But even that process... ⁓

AEB (25:15)

I mean, I'm so serious. I mean, you're a part of my community and I'm so grateful for that. And I feel like to answer your question and kind of touch on what you just said that stuck out to me, the community I'm building now, I'm realizing are all the people who are the leaders in their community in a way and are the thought leaders, are the first one, are the only one saying something, are the generational.

AEB (25:42)

curse breakers, or the first people going to therapy, or the people calling it out, the people not standing for shit at work. ⁓ Like, they're really those type of people, which is a loneliness in and of itself because if we're being completely honest, most people are asleep. ⁓ Most people, it's giving comatose. They really not with it. They're really not with it. And it's like, because at end of the day, we are a pack.

AEB (26:10)

species. We need community to survive. Community is absolutely essential to our survival. ⁓ I think we're the only animal that can't do anything. ⁓ And so when you're that type of person who is the one calling out the bullshit, naming the family structures that are unhealthy, the first one who's openly anything, queer, ⁓ therapeutic, honest, ⁓ you ⁓ really get... ⁓ It's a risk.

AEB (26:39)

It is a risk. People fall away, people move away, not because there's anything wrong with you. And I really want to emphasize that because part of loneliness thought demons is that something's wrong with me because people don't want to be around me when I'm being my authentic self. What people don't want to be around is who they would have to become to be around you. And they also ⁓ don't want to be around the reminder that they're not being themselves. ⁓

AEB (27:02)

Okay, so like people don't like that and you see people all the time you just said it yourself who will be around family members They don't even like or feel safe around people will be in relationships just to be in relationships People will do chaotic shit like go back and triple back. I mean, we're all done messy stuff This is a judgment-free zone, but I'm just saying the pattern like going back to that ex when you know You shouldn't have anything to do with them, but you like I need somebody to keep me warm So I'm just gonna go do this thing, even though you know, it's emotionally unsafe for you

AEB (27:31)

we create all these kind of like false superficial relationships to keep ourselves from feeling alone, not to keep ourselves from feeling lonely. We still feel lonely in those spaces, okay? We might be distracted from it. We might make enough noise to make it not available to our conscious mind, but you're still lonely babes because the only way you don't feel lonely is being connected and feeling like you belong. If you're still contorting yourself in some space, in some relationship, in some dynamic, you're lonely. So it's really important that we understand that

AEB (28:01)

relationship building and community building is not just being around people. So ⁓ these relationships that I'm cultivating now ⁓ that have come into my life have been slower, more spaced out. I can't fuck with everybody like I used to. It's more of that a lot of people might know about me, but they don't know me. When you start recognizing what pretending looks like, you start seeing who's pretending.

AEB (28:30)

And that's unsafe for your process. Like I'm not going to regress with somebody else because it took a lot of energy for me to get to this place. So I am going to be more selective and people are also going to be more selective about me because I'm not going to get along with everybody because I'm not being a chameleon, right? Like I'm not going to be everyone's cup of tea. And I know, I know that pop psychology got all the girlies looking up avoidant attachment and all these other things, but there's, there's stuff there that we need to see. We should not be rolling our eyes, right? I think that

AEB (28:59)

there's a lot of like this attitude that people are intentionally withholding who they are instead of like recognizing that probably you don't know who you are. Probably you don't trust someone with yourself because you also are not trustworthy. Probably because you don't know what you need. And so you don't know how to ask for what you need so that you act like you don't have needs ⁓ when you do have them, right?

AEB (29:28)

And then you also have this idea, ⁓ and we adopt this, a lot of us adopt this for our family structures, that everything not everybody's business. So we confuse secrecy with privacy, right? And those are two different things, right? A lot of y'all keeping secrets, y'all not private. ⁓ Privacy requires integrity and intentionality, okay? Secrecy is I don't wanna get found out, what I'm doing is not aligned with what I say, you know, it's pretending.

AEB (29:56)

Right? So lot of y'all are secretive, not private. It's an excellent time to say, do I really know who I am? Or why is it so uncomfortable for me to be here? Why do I feel so uncomfortable not being surrounded by somebody, not having a lover with me, not having, you know, not being productive like I am at work? Like, why do I need a gold star for everything I do? Or why can I, can I do a bad job and be fine with that? Right? Like these are great times to confront that.

AEB (30:25)

loneliness instead of trying to ⁓ get away from it or trying to make it like a phase or whatever it is that we try to do. Like loneliness is just a great time to collect data. It's a great time ⁓ to say I can slow down and try and understand myself a little bit better. ⁓ that you mentioned in there really has me thinking about just the ways in which ⁓ the experiences ⁓

AEB (30:55)

of loneliness impact the way they impact my desires. And sometimes they impact like the intimacy that I seek. And so I'm just curious if there's anything that you can share just about, you know, if a person is finding that, you know, okay, like here I am, I will start accepting loneliness for what it is. I'm gonna...

AEB (31:23)

I'm gonna learn from this, I'm gonna have this experience, I'm gonna be present. When we come up against those things that, and we talked about this, that sort of craving of community, that craving of people around us, some of those things may not happen immediately. We ⁓ are building our community day by day. ⁓ Any ideas of how somebody might start to deal with that longing, that desire,

AEB (31:53)

the craving of intimacy during this time? Approach yourself without thinking you know yourself too well. Like I think a lot of us think we know ourselves ⁓ super well. And so we're like, I know I'm like that. And it's like nine times out of 10, you probably don't. You know the reason that makes you most comfortable. You know the reason that you are not afraid to share out loud. There's something underneath. Go a little bit deeper.

AEB (32:22)

So I encourage journaling. I also, I mentioned walking journaling, cause you know, I'm a little bit neuro-spiced, so I like moving my body. So I've done voice recordings while I walk. And that has helped me to just be able to externally process ⁓ and then have a recording that I can go back and reflect on. ⁓ Because it's amazing what comes to you when you are actually processing with yourself. ⁓

AEB (32:50)

And you can bring that to whatever therapeutic space that you go to. If you have a doula you're working with, if you have a therapist you're working with, if you have a meditation or yoga teacher you're working with, or your bestie who really listens to you and like makes space for that, you'll have more grounding for what you want to say. Also, you're not fixing yourself. Like stop trying to fix yourself when you're in this process. I feel like it's more pleasurable again when you're playing.

AEB (33:18)

I go back to that play. You're just getting curious about who you are. You're not trying to diagnose. You're not trying to say, that's not a big deal. You're not passing judgment. You're just like, ⁓ that was interesting. Let me write that down. If you're a person who really loves to be expressed sexually, first of all, you can have sex with yourself. I think people don't have enough sex with themselves. We often give our pleasure away to other people, but there are so many ways to be pleasurable with yourself.

AEB (33:47)

⁓ And a special challenge that you could do is try to have a sensual experience that isn't necessarily the goal is to get off. Like it's not necessarily to have an orgasm. I think a lot of the girlies would be better lovers in general if they made that a practice. ⁓ Like stop trying to achieve orgasm and start trying to be pleasure-centered because a lot of us are performative even in our sexual experience. So spend some time slowing down.

AEB (34:17)

playing, try other sensations, explore your body a little bit more. And if you are able to have another partner, do that too. And practice transparency, right? I think a lot of us jump to other people when we're lonely and we're not transparent about that. There are many people who are lonely and are down to just create community and connection with each other. Like really practice vulnerability, practice being cringy.

AEB (34:44)

Like, do cringy shit. Like, people don't want to be cringy. It's cringe to walk up to somebody and give them a compliment on their outfit. They might not respond well. Like, practice rejection. Get rejected more. Like, let someone tell you no more. Like, stop saying that you're not gonna try because you might get a no. Okay, getting a no is a part of life. Like, grow your resiliency to that and don't make that no mean that your need is too much. Because a lot of us are begging.

AEB (35:14)

begging for stuff that somebody would give to us in 2.5 seconds. So you gotta like ⁓ ask around. You gotta be willing to have your needs met by other people and in other ways instead of being like, if it's not gonna be met by this person in this way, in this timeframe, then something's wrong with my need. Something's wrong with your demand, perhaps, ⁓ but ⁓ your need is probably accessible in some way. So just expand beyond that.

AEB (35:43)

be more vulnerable, be able to be more resistant to ⁓ hearing a no or experiencing rejection or being cringy. Like it's okay, you'll be fine, I promise. Yeah. There were a lot of practices within that that folks could ⁓ kind of take and experiment with and explore. ⁓ Did you have any sort of resources? I mean, we will talk about.

AEB (36:09)

your sub stack, obviously that is a great resource for this, but were there any other resources you ⁓ think that you could share as we're kind of closing out? Yeah, so I really have been loving ⁓ the erotics of liberation. ⁓ They do a lot of conflict avoidance work. They do a lot of pleasure work. It's ran by a black queer person named Care, who's excellent. And they work with accountability mapping, which is another resource.

AEB (36:38)

⁓ that does a lot of great resources on relational skills. There is another person named Christabel. I'm gonna forget their last name. I'm gonna look them up. I love Christabel, okay? If y'all want to be affirmed, especially as a black femme, someone who is socialized as a black woman, ⁓ yeah, talk about...

AEB (37:06)

affirmation, talk about somebody who is seeing you. ⁓ Christabel ⁓ Menta Galloway. So I guess I'll give you the link. We could put those in the show notes, but that is all about relational skill building. ⁓ Sex with Ashley ⁓ is a great resource. ⁓ If you wanna get down with the get down, ⁓ they're black sex therapist and worker.

AEB (37:34)

There's just so many cool people online. People are talking about this stuff more than ever, ⁓ which I think is really great, but also can be overwhelming and feel like a fire hydrant sometimes. So again, take things that align with you and leave the rest. ⁓ Pace yourselves. Also get a therapist if that's accessible to you. ⁓ There's nothing wrong with therapy. And I know that there's a lot of ⁓ critique about Western influence on therapy, but a lot of us

AEB (38:04)

are trying to, ⁓ which reminds me, decolonizing therapy is another great resource. A lot of us are trying to detach from these sources of help before we even try them. And I think we should try and get a therapist that's aligned with us, rather than saying all therapy is bad, because that's just not true about anything. ⁓ I'm mostly on Instagram. I do have a TikTok too, but I don't really go on TikTok like that anymore. They're both organic underscore weirdo.

AEB (38:33)

⁓ You can find me on Instagram and TikTok and my sub stack is weirdly organic. ⁓ You can find me on sub stack for sure. ⁓ And just follow me, send me a little DM. I've written some stuff for like Salty and Yes Magazine and all that stuff. So you can look me up online, find my articles and catch my vibe ⁓ if that's your thing. But yeah. Cool. Yeah. Thank you so much for.

AEB (39:02)

taking time to chat with me. I mean, we talk about this stuff all the time, but I'm glad you were willing to talk about this in this particular setting because I've already said this to you before. I'm gonna say it again. I am really blown away by the amount of people that I know who are just brilliant. And so I'm glad that could bring you here.

AEB (39:30)

⁓ you know, have you share some of your brilliance with the people who want to listen. I'm so glad, and I'm so glad that you persevered ⁓ and you made it here and we were able to meet in this lifetime. That feels really good to me. ⁓

AEB (39:49)

Close it out. ⁓

AEB (39:53)

Thank you for joining us on this episode of the Queer Masutra. We hope you're leaving a bit more curious, ⁓ a bit more in touch with yourself, ⁓ or with a better understanding of another's experience. Until next time, take care of yourself, take care of each other, and subscribe for updates on future episodes.