The Queermasutra™ Podcast

Transcript: Episode 1 – Reclaiming “Transsexual” & Finding Pleasure in Transition

AEB (00:00)

⁓ Welcome to the Queer Masutra Podcast, ⁓ hosted ⁓ by Afroerotic Body. This is a space where we chat with Black, Brown, Indigenous, Queer, and Trans folks, here to share stories that shift perspectives and celebrate the many ways we connect with ourselves, others, how we explore pleasure ⁓ and experience intimacy. ⁓ Inspired by the teachings of the Kama Sutra, ⁓ we're diving deeper than

AEB (00:29)

politics of the body. ⁓ Together, ⁓ we explore self-care rituals, ⁓ identity, ⁓ sexual wellness, ⁓ eroticism, and the art of living queerly. ⁓ No matter where you're tuned in, ⁓ we want you to feel inspired, affirmed, ⁓ and ready to welcome new perspectives in your life. ⁓ This is the Queer Massutra, ⁓ and I'm your host, Sujay. ⁓ This is where exploration, ⁓ joy,

AEB (00:58)

and radical desires come alive in the most intimate and vibrant ways.

AEB (01:06)

In today's episode, we'll be chatting with Alana. Alana has decided to share with us today a little bit about her experience of transition. Today, we will learn a little bit about the medications. We'll learn a little bit about the process. And we'll learn a little bit about ways in which we can document these changes and honor the person we are becoming.

AEB (01:36)

Welcome to the episode. Today, we are going to be talking about transsexuals and reclaiming pleasure in transition. And so a little bit of a backstory. So before we even decided to have this conversation in text, we send texts, send voice notes. And I noticed you.

AEB (02:05)

would say transsexuals often when referring to yourself. And I kind of let it go on for a while, every day getting more and more curious about what exactly does this mean? I think this person's using this word wrong. And eventually I remember just saying to you like, what do you mean by that? Like the, what I know.

AEB (02:34)

um, transsexual to be like a term doesn't seem to be like how you describe yourself or how you see yourself. And so I had a lot of questions about like, what does this mean? And yeah, like, why are you using it in this way? And why, and how are you identifying with it? think it was like the biggest question that I had. And so, um, now's a good opportunity to share, you know, what transsexual

AEB (03:04)

means to you. Yeah, and really just kind of hitting on some of the juicy bits and pieces of like, what are they? Where do they come from? And what do they want? The transsexuals, ladies and gentlemen, and otherwise. Yeah, so I guess, transsexual is a word that is historically been used as pejorative and also as medical terminology and probably some other third

AEB (03:35)

usage that I'm not aware of that someone will helpfully chime in with. ⁓ I had mostly come across it the same way I've come across a lot of information online. You read a post, you read someone talk about being a transsexual. ⁓ And more recently, I've seen discourse or theory theorizing, let's around the utility of the word transsexual versus ⁓ just trends, just transgender or in opposition, not in opposition, but in accompaniment to being transgender, where

AEB (04:04)

Transsexual may be a useful term to denote ⁓ people who seek to further their transition or to work their transition, because it's not about ranking or validity or anything like that. It's purely how you interact with your gender and how that may intersect with ⁓ medical or pharmaceutical establishments. So taking hormones, getting surgery, doing even voice training, doing these, taking these other steps may be useful to have a term to talk about, because while we all want liberation,

AEB (04:33)

there are some challenges that are more, you know, directly in line with that word. Like access to hormones becomes a concern if you're taking hormones. If you're interested in talking about ⁓ that. It helps to have a category to talk about that in. But for me, really, I just, if I'm gonna reclaim a word, transsexual, it's a sumptuous word, the transsexual. It's a word you can make a meal out of. That's fun for me. So that's where I, if I'm gonna reclaim a word, I'm gonna start with that one. More power to those who.

AEB (05:02)

who can throw tranny around and say it and self-identify. I'm not put off by it. I just, I like transsexual, it's fun. ⁓ My friends will hear me use the word transsexual and that's just their fucking problem because they're cis. ⁓ If they're cis, that's their problem and they don't care. And if they're not, they also are on board more or less. So it's not really been much of a dialogue there, except maybe if I feel like just saying the word a bunch. ⁓ And so ⁓ last year, early last year, early 2024, ⁓ I...

AEB (05:30)

started therapy pretty much intently with the purpose of I found a therapist who deals with gender and ADHD luckily, ⁓ and other things that are relevant. And I basically laid it out. I was like, I think I need to talk about my gender and where it is, what it is, ⁓ what it needs to do. ⁓ And so through that process, essentially ended up coming to the conclusion that, yeah, probably transition. Probably should have done that a while ago if you would would have known. This comes up, apparently a lot of people of a certain age, ⁓ they just

AEB (05:59)

didn't know. You don't really know that being trans is an quote unquote an option. Like you don't know that you can transition for a while. And so you end up transitioning later in your life or because of stability reasons, job, health insurance, what have you. ⁓ And so inevitably it's like, I wish I'd done this sooner, ⁓ but I'm glad I'm doing it now. Yeah. ⁓ I think this makes a lot of sense. ⁓ When I think about my ⁓ own experiences with just education in general, right? Like this is

AEB (06:28)

why we started the work that we're doing now is because the education didn't exist. And so, ⁓ you know, and I think I've shared this with you already, but I've had ⁓ moments when I was younger where I was like, something's not right. Like ⁓ this body is a little bit weird. This is not what I expected. ⁓ And ⁓ I didn't realize until more recently when there was access to more information online and Twitter and you know, Instagram, whatever.

AEB (07:00)

that, yeah, like the idea that I had in mind is like trans. Like I was like, this is very, very clear to me and very rewarding to know in a way because I think, you know, having the thoughts and the pressures of the world around me, my community, my family, that's already suggesting being gay is not appropriate. You know, I couldn't imagine.

AEB (07:28)

what it would be like to kind of share some of these thoughts or ideas that I was having about just feeling as though the wrong gender was assigned to me. ⁓ And so yeah, I get it. ⁓ I get it. think I am also kind of ⁓ very grateful for the internet because I'm learning a lot ⁓ and I continue to learn a lot. And I was thinking when you were sharing, was thinking about this.

AEB (07:56)

this woman that I follow online who I really enjoy. ⁓ Her name is Miss Lady K. ⁓ And ⁓ what she does is like content for trans folks. But it's so well done that ⁓ anyone who's listening, even if that is not your experience, you understand what's happening. You understand where you need to show up in the world for that, you know, that person or.

AEB (08:24)

some other trans person. And so yeah, I think, I think, ⁓ access to these things feel really, really good. ⁓ The kind of life you live when you are unaware of this thing that is just sort of eating at you from the inside and stopping you from being who you can be. Like so many things just not even directly related to being on hormones or to changing the way I present or anything like that. There's so many like knock on effects just from actually giving a shit about your body, like caring about where you live, how you live.

AEB (08:55)

that it's very freeing and yeah, so not having that information, not being able to unlock that door ⁓ or to realize that you're not alone ⁓ is, ⁓ yeah, I'm glad ⁓ the internet's good for this. ⁓ I do think there's definitely some opportunities to have, yeah, something new presented to you. You talked a little bit about changes in the body, ⁓ things that you might notice and so. ⁓

AEB (09:24)

You know, I think this is what a lot of people are also really curious about. Now ⁓ the curiosity of the masses, I think ⁓ is ⁓ one that honestly can be ignored. Top trending porn categories. Yeah. ⁓ come on, like this, this ⁓ curiosity ⁓ to me doesn't seem to be in the right spaces in the right places. And so.

AEB (09:54)

this is where we get to talk about like some of the bit of the juicy bits and pieces about sex and about intimacy and pleasure and how these things have been evolving in your life and how they show up and how they're changing and growing and expanding. What's your relationship to pleasure like right now? Healthier than it's ever been probably like it's really so much of

AEB (10:24)

experiencing pleasure is ⁓ experiencing contentment or comfort or acceptance of yourself. Like you cannot, I mean, sure, you can probably come if you hate yourself and many people do, ⁓ but ⁓ being able to ⁓ sort of set aside that part of yourself or embrace that part of yourself and really let yourself off over to enjoyment of another or enjoyment of yourself and let yourself just fall into that is something that is ⁓ really fucking cool.

AEB (10:52)

⁓ clinically, like I would say, ⁓ and ⁓ revelatory, think something that's just increasingly so. And so I've been very fortunate that my partners have been trans ⁓ are still are trans themselves. ⁓ And so they're they don't know they're not only accepting they get it, they're excited. And I'm excited for them in turn. And so we're all ⁓ excited. ⁓ One of the things that I really love, especially when I'm having a moment of

AEB (11:23)

discovering something about myself, being in the place that I want to be in or taking the steps to be in the place that I want to be in. It's always nice to have people around me who ⁓ not only respect what's happening or the places that I'm going, but who also like in celebration with me. This is something that you and I talk about all the time where it's like, you you have these friends who are ⁓ sometimes it seems as though they're going harder than you are sometimes, but

AEB (11:53)

You know, I think ⁓ those sort of support systems and things like that ⁓ really help us be reminded that we're making a decision. It's incredibly easy to fall into self doubt or ⁓ self deprecation or just sort of ⁓ be uncertain about what you're doing. And even though you know you're doing the right thing, just sort of feel out of place. mean, society's structured in a way that wants to make you feel out of place if you're transitioning. ⁓ And I think, yeah.

AEB (12:22)

friends like that are indispensable, no matter how ⁓ excited, how exuberant they may be and ⁓ how forceful their celebration may be. ⁓ Yeah, celebration's a word that I would absolutely put in there. That has been such, ⁓ so heartening for me. Such a great encouragement, such a great source of strength to know that there are people who are just so excited, even the ones who do not really understand fully firsthand, they're just thrilled that I'm doing this thing ⁓ and that it's...

AEB (12:50)

clearly making me happy. And one of the ways that that's come up, sort of related to body is, ⁓ or to the body, ⁓ is I was talking with one my friends last week ⁓ and ⁓ she had not really been fully aware of my transness until we went out one night and I was in, I looked fucking good, is the point. Like I looked really good in a way that I'd never looked good before and I was happy and all that. ⁓ And anyways, we were hanging out the other night. She mentioned that my voice had changed ⁓ and

AEB (13:18)

Typically, that's not really something you expect on estrogen. So I of course had to ask that, what do you my voice changed? Like it shouldn't have or not shouldn't happen. Like you don't expect that after you, take that first hit of estrogen before you just sort of like, you just feel ⁓ more appropriately placed in the world. Like it's like, even if you don't outwardly, maybe see yourself the same way as you would like to, you will. And it goes from these days being gray and blah or whatever, just being days that you pass through as you move on to die or whatever.

AEB (13:48)

to being days that you're excited about. You're excited to be alive, you're excited to see yourself. And those days get brighter and brighter and the highs get higher and higher and the lows get higher. Like the lows aren't nearly as low because you're watching this process happen. ⁓ And it's just undeniable ⁓ like to yourself and also to your friends who are like, your hair looks amazing. ⁓ Your skin is perfect now. ⁓ There's like also ⁓ just a ton of misinformation and just lack of about ⁓ what the change looks like and what the change feels like.

AEB (14:17)

And so is there anything you can share about, you know, your appearance, your body or whatever that you're noticing and even looking at differently? Yeah, I mean, looking at differently from the start, I think you can probably peg the day that I start transitioning in my photo albums, like my camera, because I just start taking pictures of myself in a way that I never had in like the first whatever six to eight months or whatever it's been. I've taken more photos of myself than I have in the past.

AEB (14:45)

20 to 30 to 40 years of my life. doesn't matter ⁓ how many specifically like it. But no, mean, like I am rejoicing in my appearance. actually give a shit about who I'm seeing in the mirror, whereas pre-transition there were days when I'm like, yeah, it looked kind of cute. Like, this is a nice look. Like objectively, you're kind of good looking, but not in a way that I gave a shit about, not a way that I wanted to cultivate personal grooming, things like that. mean, I don't know, like a slob or anything like that, but like I did not have thoughts on like, ⁓ well, what kind of earrings could I wear?

AEB (15:15)

or like, ⁓ what would makeup do for me or anything like that. Now it's like, I love that shit. ⁓ So that's mindset, but also with the physical, you sort of feel it comes on gradually. And so taking photos of yourself is huge because one day you'll be looking for like a meme or something in your phone and you'll scroll back and scroll back and scroll back and you'll find a photo of yourself from two weeks after you started transitioning. You're like, who the fuck is that? Who is this person in my phone? And you suddenly realize like, I've been doing this thing so long and so gradually, I did not realize that I look.

AEB (15:44)

different and I look ⁓ amazing. mean, I look happier then I look amazing and happy now. ⁓ And you go from having like good and bad days to having good and great days. Right. And occasionally like a so-so day like that, that low really gets brought up because you're just doing something so essential to yourself and to, to being alive in the world. So important to that, that you can only feel so bad about it. ⁓ I keep talking about emotions, but that's just what happens when you take estrogen. Like, feel so many emotions now it rules.

AEB (16:14)

⁓ Yeah, I was just going to say that ⁓ I ⁓ like this process of kind of photographing to document what's happening. I think that, like you said, ⁓ know, time goes by, things are changing. ⁓ And, ⁓ you know, it just feels like having that sort of like photographic evidence ⁓ versus ⁓ just the knowledge of, know,

AEB (16:44)

I've been doing this replacement therapy for six months now, ⁓ can really support people in ⁓ seeing those changes, like you said, like it is this sort of evidence of the gradual step towards like final form, right? Like what you hope to be and how you hope to feel in your body. And so I love that as a practice. I love that as a practice. I ⁓ don't know many people.

AEB (17:12)

who are photographing themselves ⁓ as often as you. now ⁓ listen, ⁓ but this is something ⁓ that I noticed just like as we're texting, I notice, you know, it's like you're going out somewhere and you're like, look at me. ⁓ Like am I the shit or what? And I'm like, wow, look where, ⁓ this is what the world is getting to see. This is really, really beautiful. ⁓ And I appreciate.

AEB (17:42)

the sharing. I think that this is something that you could probably just do ⁓ on your own, right? You could take photos of yourself. You can just kind of keep them. They can be in your phone ⁓ or you can feel and find like the importance in sharing the journey with people. And I think when we, ⁓ you know, looking back, when we're talking about celebration, it's like, ⁓ this feels like another invitation to just be celebrated. Like I'm doing a whole thing here. ⁓

AEB (18:11)

And here's the evidence of it. So very much so. And I really do treasure the opportunities I have to share my excitement and my joy with people, because I feel like for a very long time, much of my life was being kind of like crap. Like my personality was being kind of kind of a downer. And that's a lot to shake off. ⁓ And part of that shaking it off is ⁓ every now and then you look in the mirror and you go, who the fuck is she? ⁓ Who was who was she in my mirror? Like, I remember one of the first times I went out like

AEB (18:40)

femmed up, glammed up, looking good as hell. Like in public, no less, where I was probably hyperventilating the whole time. Where we met ⁓ at the bar. ⁓ Like I was ⁓ purely fight or flight for a good chunk. then I realized I was among friends. And it's like, I can be chill here. Like can forget that I'm done up this way, that I look this way. Like I look good as hell, but like I can just sort of vibe and be myself. And then I get home at like 2 a.m. and I walk in the bathroom to brush my teeth or whatever. And I turn on the light and I'm...

AEB (19:07)

Shocked. I see myself. I'm like, what the fuck? Well, I was out. I look good as hell. And I was like out like this. Like lucky everyone. ⁓ And I've only gotten worse since then. ⁓ I've only gotten better. Putting myself together, more confident in how I look more your welcome world for getting to look at this fucking ⁓ hot transsexual. Like get a fucking load of her. ⁓ I love that. And yeah, I mean, I really appreciate you and everyone else that I get to just.

AEB (19:35)

endlessly send photos of myself. like, look at how fucking good I look right now. I'm making up for a lot of last time, I feel like. That's fair. Yeah. And I think that's well deserved. I love talking about the day to day, the process itself and the actual details therein. Like, what does it mean to transition hormonal? What does it mean to take hormone replacement therapy? And I know you talked about finding some resources, finding some local clinic, using is it a virtual clinic?

AEB (20:03)

It's a real clinic or a physical clinic. Okay. Okay. So you do not have to be limited to these institutions, this medical gatekeeping as it often is. mean, yeah, it's definitely something that gets in the way. I'm fortunate enough that I have the means or insurance or both to go through the quote unquote legitimate establishment and just sort of get a great doctor who is like, you want estrogen? You got estrogen. Here's how much we're going to start you on.

AEB (20:31)

And I say, that sounds good. Or I say, I want more or what have you. And we talk it out and I start taking them drugs. ⁓ Yeah. Hormones, whatever. We want to make sure people are receiving information that supports them in healthy living. And so I would rather someone, you know, ⁓ get a resource from you than just trust that someone will do the right thing by them. I appreciate that. And I took the time to look at the second resource. ⁓ Resource. Sorry. It's HRT Wiki.

AEB (21:01)

Okay, cool. So that would be two directions I would send people in is trans harm reduction.org and DIY HRT wiki, DIY HRT dot wiki. Okay, and you will be able to get more information there. Should you not be able to or not be interested in going through a doctor? Yeah, ⁓ I do though. ⁓ And I like it because I can also then be annoying to my doctor when I look at these things and say, Well, wait a minute, like, why why shouldn't I start progesterone if I feel like it? Sure. So yeah, let's talk a little bit about

AEB (21:31)

⁓ your medication, let's talk a little bit about, ⁓ things you've noticed in your body. ⁓ Early on ⁓ you start estrogen and if you're me, you come to it from a place of sort of like uncertainty, kind of doubt because you're like, okay, I'm probably trans. I should probably take the hormones. Like let's do this thing. And you're willing to sort of slow roll it at first. And this isn't, this isn't a bad thing to slow roll it at first, maybe, ⁓ because HRT is pretty much

AEB (22:00)

reversible through most of the whole experience. Like there's very few irreversible side effects. Like ⁓ you just stop taking it, your body reverts back to its original hormone configuration usually, ⁓ and you're back where you started. Maybe you have a little more fat redistribution, but that can go away as well, I think. ⁓ So in my case, I started on oral estradiol, ⁓ I think two milligrams twice a day, which is not the lowest dose in the world, not the highest dose in the world.

AEB (22:29)

⁓ And also spironolactone. So spironolactone is there as an androgen blocker. So my body was producing testosterone. I wanted to stop that. No more, no more testosterone, please. And spironolactone targets that ⁓ testosterone production, shuts it down or makes it unavailable for metabolism into your body, shuts down the signals to your body. That's like, Hey, do ⁓ quote unquote male stuff. And then while that's happening, you're getting exogenous estrogen into the system. The estrogen's

AEB (22:56)

hitting the estrogen receptors and the receptors are saying, shit, get the tits going, ⁓ produce ⁓ tits, like get to work, like fix the skin, like get that skin looking perfect, get that hair growing back where it used to be. ⁓ Which, prior to starting HRT, I was on finasteride and minoxidil because I was like, I'm losing my hair, I don't want to lose my hair, I don't want to take like a topical treatment, I'll take pills, that'll be fine, that's a good like.

AEB (23:23)

compromise between like accepting that I'm going to go bald someday and also that I don't have to go bald someday. And I'm super glad I did that because it kept like the hair loss at bay and then also them estrogen kicks in. It's like, oh, I'm regrowing hair. Like I'm getting this shit back and it looks amazing. Um, so for the first three months I was on oral estrogen twice a day. You take, uh, what's called a sublingual pill. You tuck it under your tongue. I did it buccally. So you tuck it into your cheek between your tooth and your, uh, your, your gums and your cheeks, and you just let it dissolve for awhile.

AEB (23:52)

Do that twice a day, take your Spiro once a day, enjoy the side effects of Spiro, which are fine. Side effects of Spiro include massive sodium depletion. like it's selectively deplete sodium, which manifests as a meme of suddenly craving pickles, which is not a fucking joke. You, I went through a jar of pickles week. I would come back from the grocery store having picked up a jar of pickles that I didn't realize I got. I would get unpacked my groceries in the kitchen and then just eat.

AEB (24:22)

half the jar of pickles. I would just find myself like chomping on them, going to town on them and then realize like, what am I doing? Like I already, I enjoy pickles. Sure. ⁓ I did not enjoy before this six or seven pickles in a row. do not realize like until you're like through it, like you're just really chowing down. You're losing sodium. ⁓ anyway, so you start on that and you see how it feels. You see like, does this feel right? Am I in the right place taking estrogen? Do I need to stop transitioning or whatever? Which is fine. Like people who desist.

AEB (24:51)

You got to try to realize you don't want it. And that's, that's good. That should be supported and talked about more openly as just part of transitioning or not transitioning. There's offerings there. ⁓ so you do that and, I did that for three months and at three months, you check your levels. check my levels. ⁓ We do a blood test and it turns out I've got no testosterone. I have absolutely nuked my testosterone production, which is ⁓ a possibility. Like you don't know how you're going to react to these things until you take them. Apparently there's a phenomenon sort of.

AEB (25:21)

being a super responder, I like to think that I'm a natural born transsexual. like, just sort of, my body was like, we're done making testosterone. Fuck yeah, no more testosterone for you. And so what ended up being a result of that is I have my Spiro dose. So I stopped taking as much Spiro and a lactone because my testosterone production was cratered. ⁓ What's important about that is testosterone does things for your body. Cis women have testosterone. Like you should have probably a little bit of it.

AEB (25:51)

because it's good for say arousal and desire for being able to do physical activity. you, I was very tired having undetectable levels of testosterone in my blood. I was tired a lot. I found that my doing physical activities that I used to really enjoy became kind of more of a challenge in a way that you wouldn't expect so early on. Like you do expect muscle loss, muscle mass loss over time, switching from testosterone to estrogen as your primary hormone. But I really went on a trip the first three months.

AEB (26:21)

And so we adjusted that dose and eventually, ⁓ if you're certain about it, even at the beginning, you can start off on patches or shots. Sure. So you can do injectables or injectable estrogen. And so now what my regimen is, ⁓ is once a week, ⁓ I take a, I take a vial of estrogen that I keep on my bedside. I take ⁓ a syringe and two needles out of a cute little crock that I bought from Coles, I think. ⁓ And you draw.

AEB (26:50)

Your dose of estrogen, in my case, it's six milligrams, I think. You take your needle, you toss it in your sharps container, because now you have a sharps container, because you're transitioning and you need to ⁓ put these needles somewhere. You should practice safe needle use, no matter what you use the needles for. ⁓ Swap out the needle for drawing from the vial, for one that you use for injecting. I do subcutaneous. And so subcutaneous injection means it goes under the skin. ⁓ And I take a little pinch of belly, belly roll, belly fat, a little bit there.

AEB (27:18)

And you sterilize the area. And I was instructed like you're throwing a dart. You take the syringe in your hand and you go pop it in. And sometimes that works out really nicely. Sometimes that moves you to a little push and it's, it's a little annoying, but not super painful. you inject and then you lay down and you just sort of go, hell yeah. I'm transitioning. I continue. I love being trans. love this ritual.

AEB (27:45)

And it is very much a ritual. If you want it to be, you can definitely make it something that you like put on some music for, ⁓ set a vibe, like draw the shades, open the shades, whatever you want to do about it. And I find that very reassuring. I love a ritual. ⁓ I love something that means something to me that accomplishes something for me and ⁓ taking my hormones is definitely that. ⁓ the injections ⁓ something you plan to be doing for the rest of your life ⁓ or do they stop at some point?

AEB (28:10)

They'll have to kill me before I ⁓ Absolutely the rest of my life. Now there are, there are implants. ⁓ Okay. ⁓ I don't know to what extent they're widely available. know my clinic can't get them for me yet. They may be working on it ⁓ or maybe a testing thing. There are, there are hormone implants that you can take. ⁓ I know that you can also, if you don't want to take spironolactone or, ⁓ one thing I should have brought up is, ⁓ with injectables, you have access to a higher dose of estrogen such a way that you can.

AEB (28:39)

You can do what's called monotherapy. I dropped the testosterone blockers around the lactone because you can flood your system with so much estrogen that your body just says, oh, we're estrogen powered. Stop making testosterone. And so your balls are just for show at that point. they're producing testosterone, not signaling to produce testosterone, whatever they do. I'm not interested in knowing what they do because I don't like them anymore. And so yeah, that's something that you have access to when you take injections is you can hit the dosage such that you don't need a

AEB (29:08)

an androgen blocker anymore. And so all those side effects, all the pickle cravings go away. And so that's been really wonderful. And to that you can add ⁓ progesterone is another hormone that I take. That one I take daily. That's a pill that you take in one of two ends. ⁓ There's debate about which one's more effective. I, ⁓ booth it. It's a great ritual as well. ⁓ And so that's also, that's day to day, estrogen is weekly. And so you can feel that fluctuate over time. So

AEB (29:38)

Yeah, I plan to be on estrogen for the rest of my life, ⁓ whether it's shots, whether it's patches, whether it's an implant, ⁓ something that I will decide as I go. ⁓ With health insurance, what's the average cost for this? ⁓ Okay, so let me think. I go through my clinic, who does not use my insurance all the time, but I think it's pretty comfortable. have decent insurance. I think a vial of estrogen, which is ⁓ I do not remember, it's estrogenal valerate is the compound that I take. There's different versions, like it's

AEB (30:08)

Valorate, Cyperinate, some other one that I don't remember. They have different half-lives and there's biochemical and bioavailability concerns there. Valorate's the one I'm on. I like it. I think it's 115 bucks for a vial. A vial lasts you quite a while. I mean, this is the beauty of having it on hand. Wait, can I take a look? Of course. We're having like an educational moment here. It comes in a cute little box. Are you buying sandwiches yourself or are they also supplied?

AEB (30:37)

They can, I do not like the ones they supply as much anymore. So I'm buying my own from- She's kind of thick. Yeah, it's an oil. So you're getting, I don't know, what's a drop of water? A drop of water is like 200 microliters. You're thinking about a drop of water. I take 0.3 mils per shot, which means each vial is about, fuck, I don't know, 15 shots. 15 shots is about four months, I want to say. A little under four months. Yeah. ⁓ And so that's ⁓ a hundred.

AEB (31:05)

$15, I think so under $15 for a three to four month supply, which is, I mean, cheaper than my coffee habit. Sure. To use a cliche. No, so the the bang for your buck in terms of what you get for starting hormones and continuing with them, if you can find them at this rate is unbeatable. Yeah, the quality of life improvement. It's the best thing you can buy for yourself. You know, having worked in public health and you know, we go through this process of

AEB (31:34)

what medication is good for the person. ⁓ And one of the things that we came up against pretty often was ⁓ the cost. Like if people couldn't afford it, then they were not getting it and they were not taking it. And so ⁓ typically when there are medications that are named brand, ⁓ you can just go to the website ⁓ and most of them have some sort of ⁓ co-pay assistance. ⁓ You know, I'm mostly saying this to people who are listening, but

AEB (32:04)

You know, there are these pieces ⁓ on the website that can either cover the medication fully or cover like a huge amount of it. And so if that's not something you've looked into, maybe consider that. Yeah, it's certainly worth looking into. I just sort of accepted that cost and said, what a deal. Like a hundred, Right. A hundred fifteen bucks three times a year to be a lady. Like, yeah, ⁓ I will say I forgot about the cost of progesterone. I do not have that off the top of my head. Yeah, I'll get

AEB (32:31)

I didn't talk about the purpose of progesterone either. So progesterone is something that you can take and there's debate over when you start taking it because primarily you take it if you're transfeminizing yourself, if you're transitioning, whatever, for a couple things. Breast development, it's supposed to produce or support more full, well-rounded developed breasts. Great. And also supposedly helps with libido. And this is sort of a, your mileage may vary sort of thing on both fronts. Sure. I have found.

AEB (33:02)

I couldn't say it because I mean, haven't done the I haven't done an independent study of myself, but I'm having a great time taking it. I'm having a great time with the results of it on both fronts. So I would say look into it. Yeah. If you're thinking about taking estrogen, if you're thinking about taking estrogen, take the fucking estrogen. Yeah. The most important thing I could probably impart to anyone who's listening to this who is not already sure their trans is cis people don't really think about their gender. Like it's not something that comes up for them. And so if you're thinking about yours already, you should really dig into that thought.

AEB (33:29)

Like most of your, most of your sis friends and family do not have a solid conception of their gender and what it means to be whatever they were assigned at birth. If you're already wondering about yours, that's a sign you should probably have already started. Well, it's never too late. We also ⁓ watch, I saw the TV glow while you're at it. ⁓ cry a bunch. If you cry a bunch that all that should tell you something as well. ⁓ think some people definitely need inspiration and encouragement. Like.

AEB (33:58)

you have a feeling like trust that and it's okay to do that. And when are you getting on? ⁓ Yeah, it's something that I think about. And I one of the reasons why I really want to talk to you about this was because the things that stop me ⁓ are just the lack of information. ⁓ I will talk so much. ⁓ There's nothing about this. I won't talk about, know, ⁓ I think that's just true for me. I will say is like, there's not enough information.

AEB (34:27)

The fear is that there's like some experimenting that's happening and it doesn't really help when like politically and in the world that is also everyone else's perspective, right? Is that like, no one really knows their gender and like they're taking shots and you know, they're using litter boxes and all the other nonsense. like, yeah, I think there's just this ingrained fear.

AEB (34:56)

which is probably just related to the ingrained fear of being queer as a young person and your family being like, anything else but that. ⁓ Looking at what I've been taught and just being influenced even more by the ignorance of the world, it's like, I'm a little nervous. It can be intimidating. It can be scary. Like going out in public, being femmed up. It can be a bit. ⁓ You might catch a gaze and it's like, okay, well.

AEB (35:25)

What are you looking at? And it's like, well, you're looking at someone who looks really fucking hot and happy in themselves. ⁓ I will say that as far as the uncertainty and the experimentation goes, we have some data on regret rates for transition. And I've seen it. I've seen people argue that it's as high as 15%. What that means is 85 % of people who transition are fucking thrilled about it. People who de-transition or desist transitioning, number one cause that they cite is it's too hard.

AEB (35:53)

society is too fucking mean and too shitty, or the people in their lives are not supportive enough that they feel like they have to stop. If they ⁓ had their druthers, they would continue. Open heart surgery has a higher regret rate than transition does. Think about that. And you can only ask the people who live through it. ⁓ The people who survive open heart surgery, whose lives it saves, they have a regret rate that's like, I think...

AEB (36:19)

I don't know, maybe it is 20%. It's, some, it's up there where they're like, I wish I had not lived through that transitioning anywhere near that shit. Like, no, I mean, yeah, it's, it's understandable to have uncertainty, but like, just even looking at everyone's experience with it, like this is unequivocally a good thing to try. And it being so reversible and so easily stopped. If you're like, I just took a shot and I hate that I did that. Fine. Stop taking the shots. You'll be fine. You will revert to whatever your original configuration was.

AEB (36:49)

There's so much to consider there and so much to like internalize or unlearn or it's like work around and that goes also for the results of transition. Like one of the biggest things that I ⁓ I credit myself with is sort of ⁓ discarding like white Anglo beauty standards where it's like I'm not going to look like ⁓ a trans white lady or even a or any white lady rather a white lady sister trans. Like that's not where I'm going end up. And that's fine. Like I was never going to end up that way. Like had I been born the way that I would have maybe chosen to have been.

AEB (37:18)

One of the other things that I'm really curious about ⁓ is how you're communicating those changes with lovers and partners.

AEB (37:29)

⁓ Shout out to you if you're having sex with me right now. ⁓ For the future if you're having sex me. ⁓ Shout out to everyone who's had sex with ⁓ me. Yeah, I am, ⁓ again, I'm incredibly fortunate that my partners are trans themselves ⁓ and in ⁓ various states of the process, whether it's more exploratory, more certain, more I just have an appointment to get like, ⁓

AEB (37:57)

the green light or to get my prescription. And so again, they're ⁓ not just ⁓ accepting of what I'm dealing with. They're interested in what I'm doing, they want to hear about it. Like the shit that I would be like, I'm sorry for taking up your time talking about how I'm hormonal and how my emotions are going crazy. ⁓ Like they're like, I love that you're feeling that. I love that you're experiencing that. Thank you for sharing that with me and really celebrating, like actually celebrating the process in a way that is very touching, very affirming as they say, but also just

AEB (38:25)

lets me be comfortable being myself in a way that I've never felt before. And so this like incredible vulnerability that I'm letting myself just sort of, I don't know if I'm letting myself anymore. I'm just sort of like prone to it now where I will just talk about this shit. ⁓ Incredibly fortunate to have them in my life. It sounds like ⁓ because your partners are having similar experiences, there's...

AEB (38:49)

There's just like a basic communication of like, here is what I'm going through, here's how things feel. ⁓ And it sounds like it's being accepted very well. ⁓ Do you have any partners currently who are not trans? ⁓ No, I don't. sort of ⁓ because I can never do just one thing, ⁓ I'm transitioning and I'm also exploring polyamory.

AEB (39:16)

Nice. And so part of that exploration is finding out that man, there's a lot of scheduling involved. There's so much timing involved. And it's like, I do not have the capacity to juggle like dealing with myself, like being in a relationship with myself in transition and also to other people who I adore, who I will always do my best to make time for. Yeah. Like, and they got their first, like they got their first and they're amazing. That is who, ⁓ who I've surrounded myself with. And I think there is the, the, the phrase, the concept of T for T where it's like,

AEB (39:45)

you do sort of tend to find that commonality, that sort of like willingness, that openness to celebrate what you're going through and to be excited for your partner in the same way where it's like, you're thinking about taking ⁓ this hormone, like you're wondering about what it's gonna do to you. I'm excited to see what it's gonna do for you. I'm excited to see this change in you. I'm excited to support you whichever way you wanna go with it. ⁓ It has been ⁓ intensely rewarding in a way I would never have imagined. Yeah, I love that. ⁓

AEB (40:11)

⁓ I sure hope I said some nice things there. I think you said so really if ⁓ I were a partner and I was like, wow, I cannot express ⁓ sufficiently the depth of appreciation I have for my partners. They have been so incredibly supportive ⁓ and so kind and so patient with me, especially because mood swings are so fucking real ⁓ and more than mood swings. The mood depth like just.

AEB (40:39)

The feelings you feel become so much bigger ⁓ and you don't really understand that until maybe like a week later and you're like, ⁓ I've been so fucked up over something that is like just a missed text. Yeah. Like I've been dragging myself nuts over a text message I didn't get. I think I'm ⁓ such a great realization, such a massive relief to have that experience. ⁓ I'm a relentless communicator. love talking shit to death. I will talk about anything and all things and some things that you don't even ask me about. I will continue to talk about.

AEB (41:08)

⁓ So ⁓ that is something that's intrinsic to me. love talking. Communicating boundaries is always a bit intimidating ⁓ and there can be an added like an added tension to the uncertainty and sort of the position that you're in within society of being trans. And it's like, well, I do love the attention I'm getting. Like how do I set an appropriate boundary? What if, ⁓ what if you're afraid of like driving a person away or like not? It's definitely a

AEB (41:35)

process of learning to just advocate for yourself. If you don't have a lot of practice in that, it's a great way to get some. ⁓ Just talking about like even communicating things like, I don't feel horny the same way I used to. I don't enjoy sex the same way I used to. I enjoy sex with you, my partner, so, so much. ⁓ But I don't need certain things anymore. I don't need to cum anymore, let's say. And that may be skipping ahead, but spoiler. ⁓

AEB (42:04)

Yeah, I think ⁓ this is a really good opportunity to start talking a little bit about sex. ⁓ Okay, a lot a bit about sex. sex and transsexual, yeah. Yeah. ⁓ I mean, I'm by no means I'm kind of in the throes of the hormone therapy now. So like there's been a recent bout of intense ⁓ hormone fueled emotion where and this isn't to say and this is never the case that any woman's ever had like irrational emotions. There's always something there.

AEB (42:33)

⁓ And like, this is like, ⁓ to the extent that I've been feeling like hormonal and like over the top emotions, it's because there's something that I'm feeling. And I also have to be flooding my system with hormones. So like my body is more attuned to it and more willing to scream like, Hey, you're upset about this thing in a way that can be productive and can also be a little bit of ⁓ an adjustment. And also it's good to have grounding practices around like, here are the things that I know to be true.

AEB (43:00)

Here's why this emotion I'm feeling is intense and it's rooted in something valid, but it's also maybe going a little further than I need it to right now. I need to like take a breath or several breaths ⁓ and assess what's really happening there. I can say that early on ⁓ in my hormone experience, I had zeroed out my testosterone and that meant I was not horny. I did not understand. I mean, I understood arousal as a concept. It was purely academic. Like I understood that people got horny and fucked. I understood that I used to horny and fucked.

AEB (43:30)

And there was a long period there where I was just like, yeah, sex is a thing that happens. I don't really think about it anymore. ⁓ And I mean, that's there are asexual people who live a life like that. And that's not really I'm not weighing in on that for me, though. I do. I did and continue to enjoy having sex. And so like just being zeroed on testosterone and going through that, sort of ⁓ sexual doldrum period was an experience that I've recently come to come out of. So I think part of that is getting off the

AEB (44:00)

androgen blockers ⁓ and getting more onto monotherapy and monotherapy of just taking estrogen alone without sperm and lactone. So my testosterone levels are low, but they're not zeroed out necessarily. ⁓ adding progesterone to the mix helps with libido and supposedly helps with libido. It's anecdotal because we don't have data because we live in Nazi country and they don't study these things. ⁓ So coming back to that, coming back to being ⁓ someone who enjoys ⁓ pleasure.

AEB (44:27)

has been a really fun experience because some of it has changed a little bit. I wasn't not really about being like topping versus bottoming or anything of that, but more like just what I enjoy from a partner, from myself, where early on when that arousal isn't really there, it's kind of a process to work up to it. And then once you're in it, once I was in it, it was like, hell yeah, I'm having a great time. I, why don't I do this more often sort of thing? So

AEB (44:58)

when you talk about, you know, there being this sort of process or this sort of built up to, ⁓ are we talking like more foreplay? Are we talking like where, what does that look like? ⁓ So on my own, ⁓ it was a bit more of a process to get going. And ⁓ some of that's foreplay, some of that's just, you know, enjoying some pornography, some fine art.

AEB (45:22)

⁓ Or just taking time to like re-center myself and to go from like, right, I was working an hour ago and now like, I'm now like interested in having some time to myself, feeling pleasure and like working back up to it then being like, right. ⁓ I will also say I've recently ⁓ recently hit on a revelation that shouldn't have been nearly so much of revelation. I think if you have a rod in his stones, you deserve a vibrator, some sort of vibrating apparatus. Like it's gonna fucking feel good. I don't care what you've got going on. Like.

AEB (45:50)

If you've got nerve endings, if you got a zone that you like touched, buzz that sucker. ⁓ Treat yourself to a fucking wand, a bullet, anything. And that's something that took me a while to come around to. Mostly because I'd forgotten that it was an option and that's been a recent expenditure of purchase and investment in myself, I will say. ⁓ Yeah, I think one of the things to also consider is ⁓ the types of sex toys that are made. I think now we're seeing a lot more like

AEB (46:19)

queer friendly or leaning sex toys, but before we were just getting like for male and female. And so ⁓ traditionally the wand is not even presented for someone, you know, in a male presenting body. And so, yeah, it makes sense why you may not have access to that or even some of the like smaller pocket, you know, or handheld vibrating things because ⁓ they're trying to sell us like penetration things, right? Fleshlights and... ⁓

AEB (46:49)

things of that nature. And so, ⁓ yeah, it makes sense that you would now be looking into some different areas ⁓ in the sex shop really, ⁓ when it comes to finding toys and finding ⁓ things that are interesting. For myself, I hate vibration. That's fair. It's just like, there's something about it ⁓ that feels very sharp in my body where I'm like, this is weird. Like ⁓ things are going numb if it's there too long is sort of the vibe I'm getting. So, ⁓

AEB (47:19)

Yeah, I agree that they need attention. ⁓ But yeah, it may be different for folks. I agree. Excellent pun, the vibe you're getting. ⁓ I would say that, yeah, there's also modulation to some of these. So there are some ⁓ vibe brands that allow for more nuance control where you can set the intensity down. ⁓ And also I've learned firsthand ⁓ the way you apply that pressure over a surface area so it can feel very sharp if it's making a narrow point of contact. But if you're just sort of like,

AEB (47:48)

kind of rubbing it in or like making full contact there. It feels great. For me anyways, it'll feel great in a way that does not feel overwhelming. Because yeah, you can straight up like numb your dick if you're like, it's too hard or hitting the intensity too hard too fast or something like that. And I've definitely run into that and it is a little funny. Yeah, when it happens. It's like that's the opposite of what I to happen. Like, great. Now I gotta wait for things to like settle. Try to get fresh. The ways that I touch myself change a little bit. like, whereas

AEB (48:18)

I ⁓ probably would not have been the biggest into playing with my own nipples or something like that because, you know, male body nipples are like, they're there, they're his own. They can be touched, they're fun, but like was not top of mind for me. And now breast development's a funny thing. It's like, I've got this thing to grab onto now. And like, I catch myself like just doing, you catch yourself doing it once in the throes of like passion. You're like, wait a minute, that feels great. ⁓ Yeah. And does that feel great because there are nerve endings there that I had not appreciated.

AEB (48:47)

⁓ I don't think there are new nerve endings there. Psychologically, do I just feel like, hell yeah, ⁓ I want this touched. ⁓ Or is there something else? I don't know, but it's been a very fun experience to sort of get more acquainted with more parts of my body in a way that I had not before. A desire for self-knowledge, and that's a lot of what transitioning is for me, is really understanding who I am, aligning your physical with your mental, your spiritual, what have you. Like all of that is ⁓ an assertion of yourself, and that comes with...

AEB (49:17)

knowledge of yourself, just exploring your capacity for feeling pleasure. you may like just jacking off is like only so much of it. Like there's so much more that can be done there in two different parts of you at the same time if you want. And it's just like accepting that being open to pursuing that knowledge of yourself and being open to like chasing that sensation, that feeling is incredibly rewarding. The experience of like wearing a nice piece of lingerie is one thing and like you feel sexy in that moment.

AEB (49:46)

especially in your partner's appreciating how nice that looks. And then sometimes they just snap the strap ⁓ and you didn't know that was going to happen and you didn't know you were going to like that so fucking much. ⁓ Like that is just it's one of those like little surprises that happen because you're involving someone else and exploring your body with you and they may chart a different path to understanding your body and so you get to take that information with you too. That sounds like you know within the realm of sex and pleasure there are these

AEB (50:15)

these folks who are really saying, you got a lot happening here and I'm really into it. ⁓ And let's see what we can do here. ⁓ It feels like there is ⁓ trust that is ⁓ deeply ingrained in these scenarios where you can ⁓ essentially show up as you are. ⁓ really am so thrilled to have the partners to do more. Like I can show up to ⁓ like ⁓ I can plan a night.

AEB (50:45)

with my boyfriend and like we go, I go to his place to hang out and I decide last hour or so they're like, maybe I want to do it up. Like I want to on a cute outfit. I want to try this dress that I just recently bought and like try this new makeup look that I'm thinking of. And you just sort of show up and he's so fucking there for it in a way that is just incredible. You had an experience over the weekend. Did I? Was it yesterday? It was yesterday and

AEB (51:12)

It was, it's destroyed me mentally. It's, ⁓ it's been something that I'd never really thought about where we were fucking around. ⁓ Having a great time, by all accounts, having a great time. Something that I hadn't, ⁓ I don't think I directly mentioned before. So ⁓ your relationship to the orgasm can kind of change on estrogen, or at least mine has, where ⁓ there have been plenty of times where I am having sex with my partners ⁓ and I'm having a great time and they're having a great time.

AEB (51:41)

Yeah, they're having a great time. me. We're having a great time. And then my body just is sort of good. and mentally I'm going, you didn't come yet. But my body's telling me like, that's fine. You don't really need to like, we're good now. Like, we actually just want to be held. Like we've been fooling around with fucking with stimulating all the zones and all that. And it's been a blast. But that's fine. Like we're shifting modes now. We want to be tender. We want to be loved. We want to be held, etc.

AEB (52:11)

That's been part of this process as well, but back to the juicy part, the full body orgasm. like we are having a great time. We're using ⁓ shared vibrator action, which ⁓ is incredibly fun to sort of sandwich that in the ⁓ mechanics are not super important, but it was a good time. ⁓ And so we switch it up a little bit ⁓ and either from comfort or love or whatever reason, I realized that something is happening that

AEB (52:40)

feels very different to me. ⁓ And the best metaphor I can think of is ⁓ if you've ever seen the ocean draw away from the beach as a wave comes in, it was that experience. But the ocean is my sensation of self. So I realized that my hands, my legs, ⁓ my lips have gone numb. Like I no longer like I'm aware of them in the same way. Like I know they're there and like in the moment I'm like my hands going numb. That's weird. ⁓

AEB (53:08)

But it's because I'm no longer there. I'm purely in this area that's being like stimulated. I'm like enjoying some really great head. ⁓ And ⁓ suddenly it's like a fucking bolt of lightning. That wave that was drawn out that had drawn out all the water from the beach has crashed ⁓ and it has crashed directly onto me, directly into me. And I am awash adrift. am. ⁓

AEB (53:31)

I'm not speechless. I'm shouting. ⁓ I'm fucking I'm making so much noise. I'm writhing and suddenly I'm crying and I'm just experienced this totality of I don't know emotion pleasure everything. I'm my he rock my fucking shit. Like I was just fucking ⁓ like out of it for a sustained period of time. ⁓ I was later told that it was it went on for a while and it felt like a fucking eternity. I didn't know I could do that.

AEB (54:01)

You'd never think that your body can do that until it does. ⁓ And this happens to this isn't like exclusive to transition. ⁓ Anyone can do this. Yeah, supposedly. ⁓ I didn't think I could. ⁓ I never thought about it. I was like, I'm coming. That's enough. I did not know to the extent to which one. ⁓ And so that is something that that isn't directly like you don't have to transition to experience that. But I don't think if if I had not transitioned, I would never

AEB (54:27)

been in a place of comfort with my body, been in a place of vulnerability with a partner, been willing to embrace the kind of pleasure that I was having lavished upon me. What I find really interesting about this is there are people who teach this as a concept, right? So they teach this, you you may go to Mexico on a retreat where someone is essentially guiding you on how to obtain that.

AEB (54:57)

And I've gone to a couple of these ⁓ over the course of my years of just trying to ⁓ better understand my body, better understand sex and pleasure in general. It ⁓ is described, you know, within this ⁓ tantric world ⁓ as like meditation practice and breathing practice and, you know, ⁓ this sort of edging or masturbating without having an orgasm.

AEB (55:28)

And ⁓ I think that it lacks the depth, which is why when I was in those spaces, I was like, this is stupid. ⁓ Like, ⁓ all I do is breathe, you know, like, really any moment where I'm away from my phone or working responsibilities, I am in some form of meditation. So ⁓ why has this not happened for me ⁓ at at the time I was, you know, it was a lot of like,

AEB (55:56)

white men, like cisgendered white men, like that, ⁓ that is who ⁓ runs the tantra world. Those men have already been conditioned to feel the safest in the world. Like they are, you know, cisgendered, they are white, like being gay is, you know, ⁓ maybe a little risk there, right? But for the most part, these men go into the world presenting as straight. And so

AEB (56:25)

you know, why they are presenting in these ways and also trying to teach people who are identifying as queer, as trans, as Black, as Brown, Indigenous. There's like such a miss that I think happens. And so just kind of hearing like I taught myself, ⁓ like I had my own moments ⁓ and it was a part of this diving deeper into becoming who I want to be.

AEB (56:55)

inspiring. Yeah, I stumbled into it. I sort of fell dick first into it in a way that I feel incredibly fortunate felt like a lightning strike. felt like a lightning strike in terms of chance and also holy shit just like just the intensity of it and the way that it really stopped my heart for a bit. feel like what does sexual liberation and freedom mean to you right now? That is a big question. It's huge. It's tremendous question. It's hard to really

AEB (57:25)

get my head around it because it's just sort of like, I'm, again, so fortunate to have partners who are like, pretty much down for anything. So like, I feel certainly with them ⁓ incredibly liberated where I'm just sort of like,

AEB (57:39)

do whatever you want to me. ⁓ I want to find out what else like I have the capacity for. like, there's also like, yeah, so not only transitioning, exploring polyamory, learning more about kink and what I enjoy and what I might enjoy doing to others, doing with others, both. That's something that is very important to me. It's always this self discovery, self knowledge, like learning about yourself through doing. ⁓ And so I think

AEB (58:07)

Yeah, that liberation and freedom comes with ⁓ a community that is supportive. ⁓ You don't always have to be fucking them. You can also just be talking to them and saying, just had, I just came so fucking hard that I didn't know it was possible, like a hard stop. ⁓ Like that is part of that liberation, part of that freedom, that freedom to like share that knowledge with people who are willing or interested or both in understanding more about this. ⁓ So that's definitely where I am. Like it's just being able to open up to partners about.

AEB (58:36)

what I want, what I feel, ⁓ but certainly what they want and what they feel like. I love asking. I love learning that. I think the queer and trans community is doing a great job. I think it's the rest of the world that has some catching up to do. They got some work to do, think, ⁓ given where our problems come from. ⁓ It ain't the queer and trans community that's ⁓ certain ways ⁓ or organizing certain ways against us. We may bicker. There may be poly drama.

AEB (59:05)

But that's not like, ⁓ we should be materialist about it. Yeah. One of the things that I really like to talk to people about, especially in these sort of, tell us about your life, tell us about your experience settings. I like to ⁓ have people share a little bit about a practice, ⁓ ritual, ⁓ a resource, ⁓ something that they have learned or experienced that

AEB (59:33)

they can share with the folks who are listening ⁓ with the goal in mind for those folks to. ⁓

AEB (59:42)

have a ⁓ shift in perspective ⁓ or to ⁓ have something that may shift their perspective. And so is there any sort of practice, any sort of ritual, any sort of magic, like whatever it is, you can call it whatever you want to, but is there something that you do that ⁓ empowers you, that brings you closer to being as authentic as you can? Like, ⁓ what does that look like for you?

AEB (01:00:11)

⁓ I mean, I am transitioning into a tarot girl. That's for sure. I've done several reads that have absolutely fucked up my day afterwards. ⁓ And so, and they weren't wrong is the worst thing. That sucks so much is to draw a set of cards and be like, fuck, that makes sense. ⁓ Shate is probably my favorite and most prominent ritual for like self actualization. Cause it is, it is a ritual of self making, self assertion. ⁓ And so like,

AEB (01:00:42)

⁓ you, you find, this is pretty common with people who take hormones. ⁓ You find ways to adorn this like otherwise sterile necessarily sterile medical equipment that you use to, you know, give yourself your exogenous hormones, administer your hormones, assert your gender, trans your gender, what have you. ⁓ so like, you know, you find a cute jar to keep your materials in. You find a nice little tray, maybe like that could have easily been a Coke tray or something like that. ⁓ And you lay out your supplies.

AEB (01:01:11)

nice and neat, you put on some nice music, listen to La Luz or something like that, and you let that playlist run in the background while you're ready these little things because you're about to do something that is clinical, but also joyous and very emotional and not sterile to your heart. The shot day is such a great day of the week, mostly because the day before your hormones are sort of like plummeting and you're sort of in a movie state. Not necessarily, but you can be, I certainly can be. You're getting ready to run the ritual of draw.

AEB (01:01:41)

X number of microliters into a syringe, transfer a needle, sterilize the surface, you work the surface, work your materials, poke an injection, and then you just sort of like, you can relax, you can go about your day, you can apply a cute little bandaid, I certainly do. ⁓ You keep an eye out for cute little band-aids wherever you are. ⁓ It's a very nice break in perspective or break from ⁓ the reality we live in to sort of take a pocket for yourself. It's not just

AEB (01:02:11)

little injection, it's taking control of your life and like improving your life. ⁓ And ⁓ yeah, everyone should do ⁓ it. ⁓ Cool. Yeah. So thank you for taking the time to chat with us. ⁓ Obviously the future ⁓ is the future, but we hope to continue having conversations with you checking in about

AEB (01:02:34)

If you ever discover that you can also bring yourself to the full body orgasm, think that's what a lot of people are gonna really want to know. ⁓ But yeah, just to kind of, the hope is to circle back around and ⁓ just check back in with you to see what's new, what's happening, what have you seen, what have you touched, what have you discovered, what have you tasted. Look forward to the future. It has been such a pleasure. ⁓

AEB (01:03:02)

Thank you for joining us on this episode of the Queer Masutra. ⁓ We hope you're leaving a bit more curious, ⁓ a bit more in touch with yourself, or with a better understanding of another's experience. ⁓ Until next time, take care of yourself, take care of each other, ⁓ and subscribe for updates on future episodes.